What are the characteristics of creative couples?


Periodically, I find in my practice, couples who consist of two people, each gifted in their own way in some physical, spiritual, psychological or creative way, who managed to find each other. While not totally rare, it is uncommon.
Over the past two decades, as my brain does its pattern recognition, I begin to build my own list of characteristics for "these couples" (I don't really know what to call them). In these next few blog posts, I want to begin to describe these creative couples; their characteristics, how they meet, their early relationship, and their relationship style.


CHARACTERISTICS: Here is a list of some common traits shared by these couples.

- each of the persons seems to have been on their own sojourn, or journey, often feeling that they a bit of a wanderer on some solo sojourn, searching for someplace, or person.

- each of the persons often is involved in their own spiritual or creative development; often having some form of regular ritual.

- at least one the persons, usually has had the experience of being the one that is estranged, different, "orphaned", or in some respects, separate from others in their family of origin.

- usually, at least one and sometimes, both of their lines of psychological, or career development is nontraditional, often being different from that of others within the family.

- developmentally, one or both of them have a relatively androgynous personality, that is, having interests and abilities that range along a broad continuum of characteristics we traditionally ascribe as either masculine or feminine.

- for one, or both, it is a subsequent marriage/partnership. It is rare for both parties to have this is their first marriage or partnership arrangement.

- significant age differential between the two parties is not uncommon; in fact, more likely to be the rule than the exception, with 7 to 14 years being the most common age span.

- couples of this nature, carry with them an energetic, auric field around the two of them that is noticeable whenever they appear at social functions. Their presence, or absence, is noticeable. They bring a noticeable energy to the group by their shared presence; an energy that neither of them brings on their own.

Next: How do they find each other? What is the early part of the relationship like for them? How do they keep their relationship vital?

Intensity, Complexity, and Drive are three primary words attributed to gifted adults in Mary-Elaine Jacobsen's The Gifted Adult, one of the most readable of all books on giftedness. Her extensive research also uncovers an additional element in all gifted individuals, children and adults: Altruism. Altruism, a kind of humanitarian vision along with a sense of Mandated Mission in life that is not taught to the individual but seemingly inherent in their temperament or DNA.

Living with Intensity by Susan Daniels, PhD is a compilation of 15 chapters of perhaps the most detailed and technically written research on giftedness, detailing the best of the best research in the past decade.

Three words emerge from these researchers; Intensity, Sensitivity, and Excitability. The researchers explore not only intensity but the emotional sensitivity and excitability or (inspire-ability) of artists.

Painter Amanda Dunbar: "Artists are inherently sensitive and emotional creatures. This is compounded when that artist is in childhood or adolescence. The very characteristics that are needed to create art can make hurtful issues even more difficult to deal with... As I mature, I am becoming more and more grateful for my earlier difficulties and challenges they give me a clear vision and a foundation to stand on in regard to who I am as a person and who I am as an artist."

The author of Gifted Grownups: The Mixed Blessings of Extraordinary Potential", Marylou Kelly Streznewski notes that while many gifted adults make outstanding contributions to society but "there are large numbers of frustrated gifted adults who do not find outlets for their potential. The author looks at a number of issues that affect how people realize accounts or fail to do so.

If you grew up feeling different from others in your family, or your classmates, it may be because you ARE different. Reviewing any of these three books will help you understand the ways in which "being different” can be a challenge as well as a gift. The authors help find ways to make the best use of what you have been given.

Streznewski comments, "One of the biggest aspects of it is to convince yourself that you are entitled to this, that your creativity is important... I was well into my 30s before I gave myself permission."


It is never too late.

Soon: Gifted Couples

In my conversations with gifted adults, often their focus is on what they have not yet mastered, not on what their giftedness has brought them. They recognize that they have an intelligence most around them do not possess, or a knowledge base others do not have, or a view of the world that others do not share.


That they cannot easily have a dialogue with others concerning their world view, breeds a sense of loneliness, and frustration and futility. The lack of a relationship they see ‘ordinary people’ taking for granted almost angers them. For the first time, they bump up against something that they, of themselves, cannot master. The sense of powerlessness is unnatural.


Their sense of the relationship challenge is not unlike couples with infertility issues seeing “‘everyone else is pregnant”.


“If it’s up to me, I can make it happen.” is usually the mantra of the gifted adult. But in the matter of relationships, one person, no matter how gifted, cannot make it happen.


The solitude and aloneness breeds sense of isolation, alienation, and loneliness. A low grade depression creeps into their lives, leaving them often in a state of edginess in their social relationships, or on the verge of tears in their solitude. It is this uncomfortable emotional dilemma that often drives them to seek therapy.


A part of my job as a therapist is to help them understand who they truly are; all of the advantages, and the disadvantages they have. I also want to give them some understanding of the statistically minority of which they are a part that makes communication and relationships challenging for them.


Three books, published in the past decade, more than others I have been able to locate give some of the best findings of research into the characteristics of giftedness of adults and children. In the next post, I will cover the key concepts of these three books.


What is this Giftedness about?” Parents and gifted adults often ask. “Is it just that we now have better ways of measuring and identifying it?”


My response is most generally along the following: Giftedness is a part of an evolutionary trend that we will soon more clearly identify, and that will someday demand a different way of educating our children to not just memorize facts, but to use their minds in a truly creative, imaginative way to make their lives and the world a better place.

Depression in gifted adolescents and adults is not just ordinary depression, a common cold mood disorder. Depression in gifted creatives is more often a ‘failure to thrive’ syndrome; the result of an emotional nutritional deficiency.

Witness two examples:
My day begins when Steve brings in an assemblage of three 20/30 somethings into the conference room to review our public marketing efforts. Three truly bright minds that are not only gifted creatives, but exude the joy in being able to do what each loves most to be doing; persuasive writing, website design, or data analysis, To be able not only to get paid for it, but to also engage in joint ventures with likeminded others - it doesn’t get any better than this!

Only hours later, an articulate young man, not dissimilar in age, comes into the office with complaints of depression, explaining he is in a no- brainer job with little opportunity for creativity, feels stuck in a neighborhood with constant street noise, and is in a relationship with little lasting stability. He complains is life does not allow the quiet or solitude necessary for the writing, playing and recording of his music, or for quiet sketching as a form of relaxation. Intuitively, I sense this man is creatively gifted, no different from the three who had been in the conference room.

What happened to him is that without the interaction with other gifted individuals, his own creatively does not grow. With little serenity or solitude, he cannot find his own center for nurturance and renewal. Gradually, his psyche slipped into a malaise, much like a small child who learns that he cannot count on his mother or the world for nurturing.

The course and style of treatment here is different, not limited to antidepressant medication and a few supportive nods of the head. Just my recognition, articulation, and validation of this issue brought a sense of connection, relief, and hope to this young man.

While I cannot keep you apprised of his progress, over the next few weeks I will be writing a series of posts on gifted individuals addressing the following questions:

• What are the characteristics of Gifted people that makes them “different” from others?
• How is their mood management a different issue?
• What does it mean to grow up “different” when your parents, siblings, school mates, spouse or children don’t “get you”?
• How is creativity and solitude or loneliness linked together?
• Couples: Creative couples.
•  - How do they find each other?
•  - What happens when two gifted people find each other?
•  - What does it take to keep this relationship truly vital for years?