How is it that one approaches issues of spirituality in marriage counseling sessions? Are these questions not best handled by a minister, priest, or religious elder? Perhaps. Perhaps, when the topic is a theological or doctrinal question.

But my focus develops a communication process for a couple that not only brings clarity, but also a communication style that reflects their stated religious or spiritual beliefs. This is only a first step in a process that the couple will return to periodically during their partnership.

First, I want each individual to share what he/she remembers about their spiritual training as a youngster. What do you remember about what your church, your parents, or your grandparents taught you about religion, or spirituality in your growing up.? What was it that you were taught as a child?

What was your church or synagogue, or temple experience?

How have you modified some of those original beliefs as you have grown and have had new experiences? What part of your original teachings do you still carry or that bring you comfort in difficult times? What experiences and relationships have helped you rethink and reshape your own beliefs? Are there events, specific events that have had a major impact upon shifting your notions of spirituality?

Do you currently have any spiritual or religious practices, either weekly, or daily? How much are your religious or spiritual teachings of part of your daily thought life, or a part of your daily decision-making.?

How easy is it for you to express to your partner what your spiritual or religious views are? What is most central and most important to you?

How well do you believe that you understand your partner views and what is most central to them? What is your understanding as to the differences and the areas of agreement the two of you have on your views of religion or spirituality?

At this early point in the process, I am not stressing agreement or compromises; just a clarity of understanding.

Secondly, I want to know how much the couple’s views overlap, and how much is separate. How much emotion is attached to these differences? How much does each of them desire to find that common ground? Can the each focus on what is the common ground? Or are they fixated on the differences?

Does their approach to this discussion, how each of them conducts themselves, reflect their stated spiritual beliefs? How compassionate can they each be when it comes to tolerating differences?

And, most importantly, how much is the quality of compassion a part of their daily thought life?

Developing this dialogue process, helping each of the partners to describe the nature of their internal beliefs gives the couple a way of connecting during critical crisis moments in the years to come as they face unexpected events or experiences.

That is what makes this issue important part of marriage counseling sessions.

Increasingly, couples, not only young couples, but also couples who are facing a second or third marriage, ask for counseling with issues of differing religious beliefs as one of the primary places of disagreement. Here are some brief thoughts on this matter.

Couples who grew up in differing faiths or even different Christian denominations cannot long ignore the issues that will inevitably arise when the subject of children comes along.

For those who have never thought through the differences between religion and spirituality, these dialogues evoke feelings of frustration, misunderstanding or tension.

As ‘religion and politics’ are those two topics we have been told to avoid for social gatherings lest conflicts arise, in relationships, religion is the one of these two that needs clarity and understanding if the couple is to proceed.

The quote from the New Testament, John 14:6 and “I am the way...” is often interpreted by church denominations as ‘our way is the true way.” (See Jesus-is-Lord.com “Jesus Christ is the ONLY way to God”)

Dictionary.com gives the following definition:
Religion as “a specific fundamental set of beliefs and practices generally agreed upon by a number of persons or sects” i.e., the Christian religion; the Buddhist religion."
Spiritual as “standing in a relationship based on communication between the souls or minds of the persons involved: i.e. a spiritual father." (Emphasis added)

Hmm. Rules or Relationship? Differing approaches entirely, involving different parts of the brain. A “masculine” and a “feminine” perspective.

How do I incorporate discussions of religious beliefs and spirituality into my psychotherapy practice? In my next post, I will review some of the more common issues and my approaches to them.

Friday at 4 PM is one year too late!


"Do you do marriage counseling?" a male voice asks; the desperation and fear evident in his delivery.


"Yes, I do." I respond.


“My wife just told me she wants a divorce. I think we need some marriage counseling right away. Can you see us this weekend?”


Perhaps once a month I get such a telephone call on a Friday afternoon between 3 and 6 PM.


What I want to say is the following: “Sir, you may be a year or two too late in making this telephone call. She has been thinking of this for at least a year. It’s that she is just now telling you. “


“No, she started having an affair a month ago. That is why she is leaving me.” The husband continues.


What I want him to know is what I have learned over the years:   Wives do not get up some morning and say to themselves, “Today, I think I will have sex with someone new and different.”


Instead, I say to them, “ If you did no maintenance on your vehicle, but ran it as long an no red lights come on the dash, what do you suppose it would mean for your vehicle when the red lights finally all come on at the same time?”


After a pregnant pause, the caller responds, “I guess it means I have let it go too long and now something really bad has gone wrong.”


“ Yes,” I reply, “ it may have been more than a year or more since that this has relationship has been drifting. “


“But she has not been complaining. We have not been fighting this past year. “


“That tells me when it was a year ago when she gave up on the relationship.”
“Should I make an appointment, even if she does not want to come?”


“Yes,” I suggest, “It is important that you learn some things in the process of this divorce. Otherwise, you will need to learn them in your next divorce.”


Men confuse a lack of conflict with having a peaceful relationship. Teaching men the process of doing maintenance on their relationships, just as they do on their vehicles or with their weekly business meetings is part of the divorce counseling process.

What are the characteristics of creative couples?


Periodically, I find in my practice, couples who consist of two people, each gifted in their own way in some physical, spiritual, psychological or creative way, who managed to find each other. While not totally rare, it is uncommon.
Over the past two decades, as my brain does its pattern recognition, I begin to build my own list of characteristics for "these couples" (I don't really know what to call them). In these next few blog posts, I want to begin to describe these creative couples; their characteristics, how they meet, their early relationship, and their relationship style.


CHARACTERISTICS: Here is a list of some common traits shared by these couples.

- each of the persons seems to have been on their own sojourn, or journey, often feeling that they a bit of a wanderer on some solo sojourn, searching for someplace, or person.

- each of the persons often is involved in their own spiritual or creative development; often having some form of regular ritual.

- at least one the persons, usually has had the experience of being the one that is estranged, different, "orphaned", or in some respects, separate from others in their family of origin.

- usually, at least one and sometimes, both of their lines of psychological, or career development is nontraditional, often being different from that of others within the family.

- developmentally, one or both of them have a relatively androgynous personality, that is, having interests and abilities that range along a broad continuum of characteristics we traditionally ascribe as either masculine or feminine.

- for one, or both, it is a subsequent marriage/partnership. It is rare for both parties to have this is their first marriage or partnership arrangement.

- significant age differential between the two parties is not uncommon; in fact, more likely to be the rule than the exception, with 7 to 14 years being the most common age span.

- couples of this nature, carry with them an energetic, auric field around the two of them that is noticeable whenever they appear at social functions. Their presence, or absence, is noticeable. They bring a noticeable energy to the group by their shared presence; an energy that neither of them brings on their own.

Next: How do they find each other? What is the early part of the relationship like for them? How do they keep their relationship vital?

Most of us see ourselves as good, kind, compassionate persons.  We do not see ourselves as deliberately doing harm to others, particularly those with whom we have some relationship.  This is true for the people who come to the office for help with a dilemma that has them at a crossroad of their life. Those who work in the healing professions find this a particularly perplexing quandary.


Even as we care deeply for others in our lives,  we are faced with this double bind.
We feel a need to grow.
We want to go where life offers joy,  fulfillment and aliveness.
We want to go where our creativity and talents can find an arena of expression.
Most of all, we want to take our lives on a path with meaning, purpose and direction.


Yet, if we are to follow the path of our own development,
We may disappoint others.
We may not live up to the expectations of others.
We may not fulfill the commitments we have made to others
We may even leave others behind.


Notable writers, psychiatrists, and psychologists have written volumes on our needs for "self actualization" or for  "individuation".   We support and applaud the development of children and adolescents as they grow through stages. We even take for granted they may inadvertently hurt those they love while finding their chosen path.  We assume it is all a part of the unfolding of life's drama .


Not so with adults. We assume we as adults should know better. We assume adults will make choices that will no bring disappointment or even pain to those around us.  Yet, this dilemma of our needs for creative expression and relationships may require some of the most difficult choices we face.


We as adults, as well as our relationships, need creative growth. Balancing these two may give us growing pains.  Piloting our way through such dilemmas with grace requires faith and some guidance.


But, it is the stuff from which wisdom is born.

Beside my computer sits a small book. It's Never Too Late by Patrick Lindsay has a hundred small changes we can make each day toward feeling more alive and with a greater sense of direction.
It's never too late...
- to find and old friend.
- to write.
- to do something you love.


I keep it there to remind me, even at my age, it is never too late to do, say or write what I need to.


Today, is Father's day; a day to remember our fathers and what they have contributed to our lives. For centuries, a father's function was to teach us the survival skills for making our way in this world. Somehow, the world we live in is not the world of our fathers.  Hopefully, what they have given us is some of the wisdom of living that serves us in many situations.


My father was a carpenter. My grandfather was an Amish farmer. I live in neither of these worlds. I work in an office. Yet, it was their approach toward life and work that I put into my own way of life.


For most of us, we can remember the good and the not so good moments with our fathers.  So it is with most of our relationships.  What makes our lives meaningful is that we cherish what has helped us.  We say "Thank You".   And we leave behind any pain or regrets.  To carry these along is what we call baggage.


Today, we can leave that behind.


Today, we can focus on what we cherish,  not only in our Fathers, but in all our relationships.


It's Never Too Late.......